Nope, Not Faking

By Brent

It's life-changing and potentially devastating to face the possibility of a child dying. Unlike an accidental death (which is horrible enough), death from disease or injury where you get to sit around and see it coming for week or months, can be particularly cruel.

Given that, it's understandable that people might think I have one face for my readers - strong, full of faith - and then a "real" face in private - sad, worried, fearful. Or maybe somewhere in between. I've had readers ask both directly, and "read between the lines" if my wife and I really think all this difficulty is an "opportunity for faith" and something to rejoice about.

Maybe we are "faking it" for the readers, in order to teach others something that we are not personally experiencing, but should be. Maybe I'm writing what I SHOULD write, instead of what I really feel or what is really happening.

At this point, you're probably expecting me to say "Nope! I'm Johnny Rock." Yes, as a teacher and example to others, I emphasize the faith, the trust in God and standing on Scriptural promises. But of course, I have moments of fear, moments of doubt, moments of sadness and moments of confusion. MOMENTS... but those moments are surrounded by, subject to and encapsulated by the faith and trust.

Moments of doubt and confusion should be encapsulated and insulated by faith and trust in God.

It's been said that true courage is brave action despite fear. I would say the same principle applies to faith. Real faith, is the CHOICE to trust God despite circumstances that challenge faith. In light of that, I would say to you:

Nope, not faking.

What you see, is what you get. While I certainly do emphasize the stronger aspects of faith and trust in my writing during these events, it's not insincere or hyped. It's how we truly feel, and genuinely live. People have commented several times, even doctors, that we must be in "shock" and it "just hasn't hit us yet" because we aren't emotionally distraught, and all torn up on the outside.

We are fully aware the cancer might kill Abby. We know perfectly well the full extent of her illness. There have been times in private when I can't think of anything else, and stay on the verge of tears for hours. There have been times when I find myself in the "blue stare" where I've been sitting for quite a while, kind of slouched over, staring at the floor, wondering if all this will simply end up with Abby dead. It's not "negative confession". It's REALITY. Those moments are prolonged by all the other "side trials" that have come with the main course.

We are sad. It's hard to talk about without starting to cry. But overall, we understand that the worse thing that can happen is that Abby will get to go be with Jesus a little sooner than the rest of us. We might be without her for a few years, or a few decades, but then like King David and his son, we will be reunited with her for all eternity.

It is because of our eternal perspective that we can comprehend and accept the VERY worst that is possible for Abby (or anyone for that matter). Knowing that, believing that, understanding that, and anchoring to that, keeps despair and grief at bay. I shed more tears for those families I see in the hospital that obviously have NO hope, NO eternal perspective, NO anchor. They are truly to be pitied as they agonizingly face death without knowledge, hope or understanding of eternity and God's mercy.

We are neither casual about life's hardship, nor despondent. We have talked about, and fully comprehend the seriousness of our daughter's cancer, but that is filtered through the reality of God's power and an eternal perspective about life.

Nope, no faking here. Our hope, the truth, and faith, allows us to face this storm with a tear, and a smile, and joy. It is truly the continued discovery of the "peace that passes all understanding". The Lord God has never failed us, and has proven His care on countless occasions in our life.

Are we to doubt Him now, and act like He is not with us in this dark hour? God forbid.