I spend most of my day answering questions and responding with advice to other people. Let me ask your advice and wisdom about something...Let's say I "know somebody" who has a teenage son who wallows in self pity. And let's say this "person I know" has a very hard time with dealing with this particular issue because it is so opposite of his personality as a father. And pretend that "this guy" knows his son never reads this blog anyway, so he'll never see this post.
And let's say that "this person's" son goes on and on about how hard his life is, and how no one understands how difficult he has had it. And let's continue to say that this "guy I know" realizes his son has had a few hard things to deal with but nothing that is not typical of almost every kid, and certainly not anywhere close to maybe the hypothetical childhood of kids adopted from poor countries who grew up poor as dirt with no future, hypothetically speaking... however, despite some typical difficulties, this son seriously indulges in self pity not based on reality and is convinced he his life has been especially "hard".
So if I knew "a guy, a Dad" who was having a hard time knowing how to respond to a situation like this, what advice could you give me to to give to him, if he existed?
If you've "been there, done that" with teenagers, what is your experience, your advice?
If you are a young adult and went through a time of feeling this way about yourself, what advice would you give?
If you are a teen now, and can understand how another teen feels when they think life is horrible, what advice would you give?
Leave a comment, and if I ever do run across "some person I know" who is experiencing this, I'll pass on your thoughts...
44 comments:
Brent, I have some experience with teenagers, as I have a 22, 19, & 17 year old. As a parent and a psychology major with an interest in counseling, I have read, studied, and tried all kinds of things.
One approach that I think works great with all kids is "Parenting with Love and Logic." It would take too long to explain it here, but you can email me at "cojlisa16@aol.com" if you need some help finding their program.
I also teach this program on a volunteer basis at a domestic violence shelter and it has been well-received. It is all about raising responsible children and I think it might help your "friend" in dealing with his hypothetical problem.
My younger brother was like that teen that you don't have living in your house who won't read this blog....My parents had to have a completely different way of parenting him than me....I wanted rules and to obey them and would fight them verbally, he didn't want rules, and would nod his head and say sure, and do his own thing anyways! Not sure I have any great advice on it...but just be consistent and hang in there with him. My brother used to call me at college and tell me how our parents were failing him miserably with their parenting, ruining his life, the entire bit...and I just told him he'd see in a few years that they weren't so bad!
Sorry I wasn't more helpful...I think my brother did get involved in Young Life around that time...and had a great mentor there that kind of helped him through some of his issues and helped him to come to know Christ.
Wow, I've never been the first commenter before.
I was in youth ministry for many year...and before that was a youth myself. :) I had to deal with this on a number of occassions, but it was my husband that pointed me toward something really significant. I was telling him that I feel bad sometimes cuz he's been through so much as a child and a young adult, and my "trauma" wasn't anything compared to his. He told me "It's the worst you've known, so why wouldn't you be traumatized?"
Basically saying that until we've experienced worse, we've hit OUR rock bottom.
Okay, long story short, have "this person's" son experience what other people experience. Mission trip? I know you could find people in your network who would take this boy in for a week or two to experience someone else's "Rock Bottom".
Just a thought. I apologize if it was muddy.
Hannah
ps. The Landis video totally made my day yesterday.
I don't have a teenager yet and haven't been one for more than a few years. But, for me personally, the antidote to self pity is service to others. Maybe this hypothetical young man could be persuaded to do some volunteer work...or spend some time playing with Abby. There is nothing like the spirit of a brave child to refocus the spirit of a lost child.
I'm 20 years old and while I don't know the exact situation of the son of that "guy you know." I can say that I grew up in a good family with my parents together and a younger sister (only 3 years younger). During the summers both my parents worked and since I was old enough to stay home alone (I was in Jr. High), I had to help take care of my sister, make her lunch, and occasionally I would have to start dinner. Because of all this most of the time I did not get to hang out with friends when I was asked because my sister could not stay home alone and had no where to go. Through out high school whenever I would have arguments with my parents I would bring up how I felt like I had it hard, and that in some way I had to grow up faster because I wasn't doing things that normal kids my age were doing. I had a lot of self pity. Now that I've grown up some I have realized that what I had to do with help with my sister is nothing compared to how some people have it. I know that I had a great life growing up with great parents.
I think that if you just give it time what ever is prompting this self pity in the son of "the guy you know" will pass. Maybe not in a few weeks or months...maybe in a few years, it will pass.
Hope this has helped.
Lauren in Texas
as a mom who is dealing with a daughter who is a senior in high school (and who has had an especially hard week with said child) i was all busy wallering myself in the land of my child is a pshycho. (see my not me monday and on!)
anywhooo
i have spent the past week praying for abby, (well more than the last week, but work with me) and cora, and tuesday and hailey, and now a mom of six who lost her husband to cancer and is in the waiting stage of finding out what her "mass" is.
made me get on my knees and be thankful (see today's post) about the mundane nature of my life.
oh to spend a day in the land of blogs to see that he has it so good.
i find that when my teens are in an all about me mode, i take them to the soup kitchen to serve a meal or volunteer to tutor kids in the projects. sometimes focusing on others is the fastest way to change perspective.
wishing you all the best.
blessings to you, sweet dad!
Hmm well I don't have the perfect answer but I was a teenager not *too* long ago and I think it's just part of life to think that you have it really hard. I thought the same thing as a teenager but looking back I had it wayyyyyy easy. The only advice I can offer is to try to sympathize with him. He might just need someone to understand him. Even if *your friend* doesn't understand him. You know, he may feel just a bit left out w/ any and all issues that may be going on with his younger brothers and sisters? I'm just taking a guess here as I don't know his situation. Please don't take this the wrong way, but when reading your blog, I often wonder about your other children. I've only recently started reading but I haven't yet seen any posts done about them or who they are. I completely understand, though. You and your wife have a LOT on your plate with a beautiful daughter who needs all of your love and attention at this time. Maybe he just needs a little love and attention too. Even if he thinks he's too big for it :)
Coming from the perspective of growing up with an abusive alcholic father, and being part of the foster care program.
I would say to the son,
You have life because God loves you. Everything else is secondary to that truth. You need to change your attitude to gratitude. Not always easy to do. But the truth is we do not get what we deserve, because God sent His Son to die in our place. Our lives should reflect that gratitude in all that we do and say. Your life is what YOU make of it!
Although I was a female adolescent instead of a male, I think this is a pretty common thing. I work with teens on a daily basis in my job, and for them, every single thing in life is a big deal. Stressed for a test? BIG DEAL. Someone beats your record in the weight room? BIG DEAL. I look back and remember being stressed, upset, and thinking my life was a mess. I, in fact, was blessed beyond imagination. While I don't think you will be able to get "this friend of yours" to stop wallowing in pity, I do think that being supportive and giving attention can help. Most likely, he is going through some insecurity and just needs validation. Love on him. Do things with him, and I would not give too much attention to the negativity. Just a thought... good luck! Teen years are SO HARD!
I speak not from experience with a teenager, but experience with myself. Ya know, some people would say that the best way to be thanful for your life and circumstances would be to think about or some how serve people who with out a doubt are worse off than you. While I agree to some extent, serving those in the bonds of poverty and illness, does to some extent, give you a better perspective on your own life. Serving and giving is in fact something we are commanded to do, and it is a good thing. However, something in me finds it wrong to find value and hope in my life by looking at others who are so much worse of then me. My worth and value are to be found in Christ alone. The bottom line is a life of complaining and living in pity party mode is, an afront to the Living God, who shed His blood for us. When I am wallowing in self pity, or complaining about my circumstances, I am in effect calling the Holy God I serve a liar. He tells me in his word that His plans for me are good. That He has in fact planned each one of my days before any came to pass. Will I find all my life experiences pleasant? Probably not, but my infinitely wise God tells me that all things work together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. His words are true, even if I fail to believe them. Not to mention it is failing to honor our command in scripture, found in Phillipians 4 to think on the good things. We live in a fallen world, sometimes life sucks. Sometimes we don't get what we want...but praise God I will never get what I deserve. This is a heart issue that only God Himself can change. Thanfully, He is in the buisness of changing hearts. Whenever I feel like thowing myself a big ol' pity party, I remind myself that I live not for this world, but another one.
Dear Mr. Riggs,
When both my children were teenagers, they went on a church sponsored youth trip (working trip) to a boarding high school in Kentucky. They worked very hard the whole time they were gone. They painted seats in a gym, cleaned a creekbank they nicknamed Vietnam it was so thick with brush, built a switchback trail up a mountain and cleaned and painted trailer tongues. The teenagers at this boarding high school were suppose to work side by side with our kids. Our kids saw first hand what a hard time these kids were having so our kids did the work and allowed the other kids just to visit with them most of the time. When we returned from that trip ALL the kids said it was the best trip they had ever been on with our youth group. Our youth shared with the church at a Sunday night service when they returned and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. My kids are both in their 30s now and they will tell you that was the best thing that ever happened to them. I guess it helps to see someone that really has it hard.
I will keep "your friend" in my prayers.
Jenny
Maybe he should go on a mission trip.
Well, I just happen to know this Mom who happens to have this teen daughter that believes the same thing sometimes. Even though this teen daughter has been to third world countries and seen what life is like for those who truly suffer. Has seen life for those with nothing and still thinks life here is too hard sometimes. Like nobody understands how hard it is to help around the house, help with siblings, keep room neat and do their best in school...
Ok, so maybe just maybe I know someone just like you.
Prayer has been key. Prayer for God to change hearts, to build up their confidence in Him. Prayer for them to see being meek and lowly, humble and asking for little is a blessing. Prayer that this child would give their whole heart to God and seek His will for their life and realize the trial of this season is to prepare them for whatever God has coming next. Prayer that God will encourage them through others outside of their parents. Prayer that God will raise up godly friends to support them on this journey. Prayer that they not only read the book Do the Hard Things but absorb the real message within its covers.
Fruit is being seen and little by little God is chipping away at the parts that will not serve Him or this child well in their journey of life. Its been explained to this teen that mooping is selfish and walking around like God gave you a bad anything calls God a liar and that they no more than God. God wants the best for all of us and that means focusing on Him and not you. God's love for You is greater than your hardship in this life and He wants to bless You with a future of hope!
Praying for this "teen and the Dad".
Blessings and love,
Jill
If your friends teenage son was not experiencing some profound feeling of morose and angst I would wonder what was wrong. And whether your friend agrees or not with the causes or the feelings, the angst is as real to the son as the daylight is to you, I mean your friend. The son is expressing these feelings – that is a huge plus. Make sure your friend doesn’t stifle that expression by diminishing his feelings with stories of others who’s situation is worse. Tell your friend that this is temporary and not his fault at all. Sadly, the son will return to being a normal lovely soul – just about the time he goes off to college.
Kathleen C.
Follow our adoption journey at www.freewebs.com/jessieshome
You can't change the world by adopting one child, but you can change the world for one child.
Kids are "me centered", especially teens. Lets just say hypothetically that this boy has an adopted sister who needs extra love, attention, and care....
What this teen is probably feeling is "why me? Why can't I be the center of the universe? Why can't I have a normal, healthy family?". As much as he understands the needs of his family, it is still hard for teens to not want some extra attention for themselves and sometimes they will whine and complain about how hard life is to try and get some sympathy, love, and attention.
Brent- I don't really remember my wallowing period but I am sure I did it. Just ask my mother! I do remember though that service to others has always been a cure to me during times I wallow in self pity. Times that I found were hard were probably my low points because I had not had any experiences that were any worse then where I was. At age 24 though I lost 2 brothers in a car accident. I can now say I have never had a day worse then the ones dealing with that tragety. I can only even think of a few things that could be worse so now my pity parties are far and few between. I am also a foster mother who sees and hears horror stories of our children, my service to them, God and others keep me from wallowing.
Another I do when feeling down or feel like wallowing is make a list of 10 things to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for the smile my daughter gave me, the laughter of my son, the support my boss is giving me in a tough situation, the caffeine that keeps me awake... see big or small they make my day better.
I don't know if this helps but I wanted to let you know how I handle these things.
I'm sorry, but even if this was a real situation, ;) i would not have and answers that have not already been posted. But I do agree with beachgirl. Your life is what you make it.
Praying for you. Well, your friend going through this...
Stacey in Mississippi
I may be wrong, but as I read about this young boy, I detected that this is far more then self-pity. It reminded me of one of my sons. It isn't just a self-pity, poor-me attitude. It is far deeper. His bent is to be negative. He see things as a matter of fact, black and white. There is no room for anything but what he sees. And, unfortunately for him, he sees things very negative. Often he twists comments that were made in fun or as a simple fact and turns them into something that is totally against him. I remember being so exasperated that I offered to pay him a dime for every positive thing he said that day as long as he paid me a nickel for every negative thing. In the end, he was going to owe me big time! It was a simple way to show him how he sees things. It worked for a moment, but it was only temporary.
What I have learned through my frustrations is that my son has been created the way he is and I can't change that. I need to cherish who he is and help remind him of the wonderful ways God has created him, while at the same time, try to remind him that what he is feeling isn't reality. That doesn't discount what he feels, but he has to realize that the way he views things is different from everyone else.
As my son has reached puberty, and middle school... it seems that he has hit a very hard time in his life where he feels like everyone and everything is against him.
For us, the answer to my son's issues is me. I was the one person in his life who understood him and protected him. I was his "safe-haven". In the last 3 years, we adopted 2 little ones from China. Since then, I have lost my patience with my son and find myself getting angrier and angrier. As a result, he withdraws and becomes more negative. When I spend alone time with him or at least acknowledge his life and all that he is going through, he seems to be able to deal with "life" much more positiviely. But as soon as I revert back to my anger and frustration, it is much harder on him. The bottom line - for my son, is that he needs mom. He needs me to be his safe-haven once again. (don't get me wrong, he knows and LOVES the Lord with all his heart. GOd is certainly the answer, but God seems to have chosen mom to be the avenue of my son feeling loved).
One thing I am confident in.... God will use these young men for his glory. He has made them this way for a reason. As they deal with all the negative they feel, God is preparing them for something big.
Sorry to ramble. I just related to this entry so much!
While listening closely to best understand the challenges this teenager faces I would also point out that the best way to get your mind off your worries is by helping someone else like say in food kitchen, shelter, hospital or nursing home.
Good luck
Brent,
I have a teenager who is experiencing the exact same thing. Her life is always "hard", "not worth living" and she often says "I hate my life!" It is so hard to talk to them sometimes. Let's face it the teenage years are so tough. I myself would not want to repeat those years.
What I say to her is- take all things to God. Pray for guidance, safety, faith, hope, wisdom and for Him to blanket you with His love. This too shall pass. Don't try to compare them to others trials and tribulations. They don't care...all they know is that right now at this moment, their life sucks.
It's hard to watch sometimes. I pray relentlessly for my children and often get discouraged myself, when I see nothing changing. Sometimes it's hard to remember, it's in His time, not ours.
Hug him, love him, pray for him and most importantly, listen and read between the lines.
My thoughts and prayers for "this person"
Hey Brent,
I'm 18 so I might be able to help a little. You should try to help him notice all of the good things about his life, but be sure not to tell him his problems are insignificant, because to him right now, they aren't. His concerns may seem trivial to you, but that doesn't make any difference to what he feels. If you can find a way to show him how many good things and opportunities he has that others do not, he might come to realize on his own that he could have it much worse.
Hopefully this helps, Amy
"Wallowing in self pity" that is only your opinion. You may be correct but it is your opinion.
Unhappiness and getting over the things that happen to us in life is relative.
Your child has cancer and you are able to have a great attitude and tackel every problem that comes up. You have a lot of grace from God. Not only is God there for you but I would guess you can feel it.
It is different for everyone. You can have a terrible thing happen but with a hafty dose of grace from God, get through it with flying colors. You can have minor things happen but feel you are out there all alone blowing in the wind.
Maybe you have a lot of mental stability and can handle the things life throws at you. Some people do not. Some people just feel bad sometimes and can't pull them selves together. Teens are going through a lot of emotional stuff.
I think it is grace from God. How do you get that?? I don't know. You can certainly ask Him, but sometimes it does not happen. Maybe he is yelling at you I AM RIGHT HERE NEXT TO YOU, but you can't feel it and it is hard
Hmm..I have one of those myself! And it's weird because we haven't had a real easy life or anything. He shouldn't feel that way.
I will be reading these comments and waiting for you to post another related blog post!
We are praying for you guys!!!
Bethany in Michigan
Honestly?
I'd get that kid some volunteer work. Maybe at a homeless shelter? somewhere that he can help someone else (build some confidence) and also see the other side of things... there's always someone else who has it much worse.
HI there!
Well, I WAS that teenager not-so-long ago. I think there is an element to my natural personality that goes into the "poor me" and "pity party" mode pretty easily. I think it took time and maturity for me to realize that my life really was not all that awful and that the Lord didn't want me to act or feel that way. When I was a teen, the last thing I wanted was someone to remind me of how good life was, or how bad others had it. I did not have the ability at that point in my moral development to see outside of myself in that capacity. I KNEW deep down that my life was great and that others had it WAY worse...I didn't necessarily want anyone, especially my parents, telling me otherwise. I did hear it (and take it very well) when a FRIEND reminded me of the starving kids around the world during a particularly annoying whine-session. I hope that this sweet teenage boy you know has some friends who think positively, and that you have some influence on him just by living out the example of a positive life. Just offer your ear to this young man, and offer to just listen to him and hear what he thinks is bad. Try not to offer advice; just listen. Reflect back to him what he said, and the underlying feelings behind it. For example:
teenage boy says: "No one understands me"
You can reflect the underlying feeling by saying: "You feel lonely'" or something like that.
This is what counselors do. I'm in grad school for mental health counseling :)
Best of luck, and you'll be in my prayers!
I am grown now, but was once a teenager and young adult who battled this constantly.
I felt like I was the only kid who had to help their parents work, make dinner, do dishes, etc. In reality, in my small town, this was almost actually true. My mother wasn't always the nicest and kindest person and I never felt like I could talk to her about my feelings. I thought that I was the only one who had to pay for college on their own, while also working to support myself. I was the queen of pity parties!
The number one thing to remember here is that if this person does "exist," an adult and loved one already knows their feelings. There might not be a "fix-it" solution, but to continue exposing this child to God, to others who are less fortunate, etc. he will come around in his OWN time. It might not be today or tomorrow, it may take until he is an adult and out on his own. I still have issues with how I was "treated" as a child and teenager, but I know that God is helping me to see that there are many more people out there that have it worse than me and recognize the many blessings in my life.
My husband has been an active part in my life in realizing the good in everything. He has helped me to see that even though we don't have much, we can still dream, live life to its fullest and enjoy life. All one can do is pray for this teenager to one day see all that God has provided him with and the wonderful parents that GOD chose for him!
I agree with some of the above posts. It may be that he just needs some individual attention. I have 3 kids and although they are not teens yet, I see a major improvement in their attitudes when they get some one on one time with Mom or Dad. Maybe when things slow down a little Dad could just take him on a one day fishing trip or something where he is the center of his parents world for a little while!
I also, like the post ealier, wonder about your older kids. I love all of the stories about the youngest 3 but it would be neat to hear about the whole family at times as well! Other than their pics on your blog we do not know anything about them! :)
Thanks for all of the fun stories you tell! You are a great story teller and the Neighbor story had me in stitches!1
First time post! I think the idea of volunteering at a soup kitchen or mission is a great one. Even better, an international missions trip to another country would fundamentally change him.
I spent a summer in very rural Mexico when I was 17. I've never been able to forget that. So even when I'm frustrated and angry and overwhelmed, I know I'm indescribably lucky. To witness how others live, and live with incredibly joy in the most devastating circumstances, is a wonderful experience for a teen. It's hard to put into words, and inescapable when experienced.
If the international idea is a bit much, I think consistently working with a soup kitchen or other outreach program would also help.
But it's tough being a teen! He'll need some validation and support through his frustrations as well...
Good luck!
Hey Brent,
I'm so glad that's just a hypothetical because actually dealing with teenage issues ain't much fun. Being 17 is such a vague memory to me, but I do remember that I wouldn't do it again if given the chance. Life was harder then... I have a 17 year old half brother - he knows everything and he too can tell you that he has a hard life! I guess that things like perspective only come with experience. So if such a guy existed, I guess I might just suggest that he try to find opportunities to expose his teenager to 'perspective' rather than tell him about perspective. And of course to love him through this tough age and tell him often -especially when it's embarrassing (like in front of friends)! At least that's what my parents did to me all those years ago and I somehow emerged with the perspective that I had it better than so many others.
No one wants to be told he should feel better just because someone else has it worse. Feelings are feelings and for a teenager they can be magnified a thousandfold.
I would suggest compassion and understanding while continuing to help him put his problems into perspective.
I'm 13 but I don't know to much on how to help you, as I am a person who just bruches things off my shoulder. Maybe just tell him that he should remember how lucky he is to have such a loving family where all his needs and most of his wants are meet.
My parents sent us to work on a farm for a month during the summer.
Cleaning, milking, stinking, hauling, working. We lasted about a day before we stopped complaining about our lot in lives and came home. Not one of 6 kids ever made it more than 3 or 4 days.
We also got into tutoring younger children, helping disabled people after school. We had jobs at young age - and we did service for others.
Just a couple of thoughts for you...
I know you spend time in prayer...so pray for this situation. My Mom actually fasted her Lunches (so that my sis wouldn't question her) for 3 months when my sister was going through something similar. We cannot change a persons heart, only God can. It may just be that he's struggling with all that is going on in your house...perhaps even guilt at what his little sis is going through. Or it may just be that he's a normal teen struggling to be a normal teen...
Your post reminded my husband and I of a video we had seen not to long ago... http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=c7e177079d3786edb467
Though that doesn't necessarily help, it might bring a bit of humor to the situation for you. We don't have kids yet, but we do agree with several other suggestions out there, including a mission trip. If you all have an interest in serving the Dominican Republic (I don't know where your hearts are), you should check out www.makariosinternational.org
I am not there yet, thankfully, however my husband and I work in the youth ministry at our church. I've got to say that you are describing 90% of teens, both boys and girls! My only advice is to step back and validate his feelings. They may be laughable to you, but they are very real to the teens facing them. A mission trip or service might work, but probably not for years in the future. If, hypothetically, he was facing a very real, very hard situation with his baby sister, he is going to internalize everything, he does not have the maturity to put it all in perspective at this point. My advice is to keep loving him, keep giving him time to talk. Do not lecture him on how easy his life is in actuality. Listen to his problems, and CARE about the issues he is facing. Take him aside and pray for him on the spot when he comes to you with a problem. Eventually, he'll get it. Good luck, to that guy you know ;)
Are you sure "this person's" son never reads this blog? I am a parent and a teacher. My many years of experience with kids who are not my own has shown me that kids usually know more than parents think. They often confess to the teacher but hide the extent of their parents. Because of information gathered without the parents knowledge, kids form assumptions about their parents thoughts and feelings.
"This person" must be really old to not remember the anguish of the teen years - either too old or too perfect. The smallest things take on dramatic importance. A bad grade, a break-up with a girlfriend of two weeks, or getting cut from a sports team can seem like the end of the world. Never diminish the feelings of another person - especially those who look to you for guidance, love and support. We can never truly know the heart and mind of another
I am sure that "this person" will find the right words to reassure and comfort his son.
Brent - I am just turning 29 in less then 48 hours. I was there I can remember my teenage years like it was yesterday. I had a hard time I felt stressed all the time and when I would tell my mom this she would say that I have nothing to stress about. She was so wrong.. my peers in school was a big stress. I wish she would have listened to me. As I am able to look back I wish she could have helped me through that time. I needed a little more time with her.
I think of Abby every day...and have never met her. I can only imagine the feelings her teenage brother must be experiencing. Perhaps these feelings are manifesting in ways that seem to you, to be self-pity. It would be completely normal and human for anyone in this situation, adult or child, to need a little extra support and TLC at this time. Please validate his feelings...to him they are very real and we often can't simply turn off our feelings. I am sure he wants to feel differently. Please watch out for signs of depression. If he is reading, please know that we care about you too.
One thing that always got on my nerves as a teenager was that my mom always denied my feels. She would say "You have no reason to feel that way" or something to that effect. You may not feel that he has reason to feel the way he does, but he does. Some times that person may need to be heard. I think some times as paretns we feel that we need to fix thing or help make things better. They are at an age as teenagers they don't know how to handle the things they are going through. We has parents have to guide them through it. Sometimes just asking questions, Why to they feel this way, What could they do to change how they feel. Help them reason it out themselves by just listening. I think some teenagers just go through a self-pity stage. I went through it. I eventually got over it.
I do have some experience with dramatic teens. I have a 23yr old daughter, a 21yr old son, both in college, and a 16 year old son still at home. I just look at them with the most sympathetic facial expression I can produce and say: "I'm so sorry it sucks to be you..." Works every time. Especially since swear words aren't allowed at home. Not sure how appropriate this is but it worked and works for me.
I come from a very large family and so we have a wide array of personalities. Two of my siblings were the queen and king of pity parties moaning how hard life was for them and how unfairly they were treated by our parents. Hearing them describe their lives growing up, I always had to pinch myself because it was hard to believe we were raised by the same parents. One of the siblings was only a couple years older than I, so things could not have changed that much! The sibling closest in age to me actually started the pity party in her twenties when she started taking psychology classes and it was downhill from there. Every conversation she had ever had with my parents was analyzed, any decision made questioned - it was tough to listen to since for the rest of the siblings and the community, my parents are considered saints! Having children cured her because she was able to see how selfless my parents were and all the sacrifies they made to make sure we had a good life. It took a few years for her to get to that point and it is now so refreshing hearing her getting impatient at the sibling who is still a master at wallowing in self pity! The one sibling who still wallows in self-pity - his life is always woe, woe, woe. I guess it works because he surronds himself with people who will listen and it always annoys the other siblings to no end at the injustice he feels he suffered and suffers so they are always trying to figure out what they can do to stop the self pity. The other siblings are putting all his seven children through private school, they built him a house and support his family. I guess we keep feeding the monster! Come to think of it, there is no incentive for him to stop the pity party since it gets such good results!
In all, I think teens feel that no one understands them and it is very hard for teens to get anchored in reality. For them, the misery and injustice of their life seems so real! I think acknowledging their pain is key (even if you want to just roll up your eyes). I think a good book for him is "Bad Childhood, Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I know he does not have a bad life, but what about putting the responsibility on him to take the perceived wrongs in his life, but still determine to emerge victorious! I don't think telling anyone that some one else has it worse is very productive. I remember after a C-Section and being in a lot of pain, my husband telling me about how much pain he felt when he got measles as an adult. I wanted to commit hari kari and I am a pretty easy going gal! I am sure the hormones had something to do with it, but I think when we share our pain, all we want is acknowledgement of our pain, empathy and a listening ear. Most times a listening ear goes a long time to someone feeling understood which is the first step to ending the pity party! This is a lesson I am learning, because like the dad, I am terribly impatient with anyone who whines and has wallows in self pity.
I've been slow to make my suggestion because I was there...I was the kid. I swore my life was horrible, I had the worst of the worst cards....I didn't. I actually had it good, really really good. So I really wanted to think long and hard about the advice I "would" give.
So here goes...
I guess the thing I would do most often would be acknowledge his feelings, weather I agreed or not. I would repeat what I heard back to make sure that not only I heard right, but that he also understood I was listening. After that I would say something along the lines of I understand that is how you feel and those are your feelings, those are valid feelings.
After that I get a little stumped. I might ask what WE (not I or him) could do together to try to improve his "problems."
However at this point I think the most important thing that "some guy" could do for "some kid" would be to just validate his feelings. Let him know he has a right to feel that way and although you don't see it as he does, it doesn't make his feelings any less valid. I think a lot of kids go through this and he will out grow it.
Also "Some Guy" has to understand he can't fix everything. Most guys like to fix the problem, resolve the issue, make everyone happy. (does this sound like Some Guy?)
It simply can't be done if "some kid" doesn't want it done (this may be a hard concept for Some Guy to grasp.)
Lastly:
If Some kid and and his family have the time once a month Some kid and Some Guy could do some charity work for other teens and the use time on the way home to talk about how much better Some Kid has (with out making it sound like that. Something like, wow it must be hard for those teens to not have a home or family to go to, or "It must be hard to loose everything you own in a fire.")
WOW...lots of advice there...have to admit, I stopped after like...20 comments. LOL So if someone else has said it, I apologize.
I have a teenage son, and what has worked for US is Mission work. Our Youth Minister is a missionary AND our pastor is a missionary, so he is exposed quite often by overseas missions into SCARY places like Sudan, Africa. Incredibly POOR places like Myanmar.
But at home, since both my husband and I teach Youth every Sunday, we do a lot of Mission work around town. An easy one that we will be doing soon: the day McDonald's has their 49 cent hamburgers, buying $50 worth, and going to downtown Tulsa and handing them out. He gets an IN-YOUR-FACE, personal close-up view of what it truly means to be deprived.
So any whining about how hard YOUR life is...is pointless. :) And it's really helped our own son.
Just because there are people starving in the world, does not mean you don't complain about the food. You have to take a person's misery in context to his setting if you want to take him seriously at all. With all of the terrible things happening to people in the world, you can get pretty horrible before you start reaching the point of where one defines misery if you are going to put it in global context.
Young adulthood is very difficult. Mood disorders rear their ugly heads. Peer pressure really cranks up. Rebellion boils over. This is the time many mental illnesses manifest themselves. It has been a difficult time for people since the beginning of time. When you lose the childhood mantle but are not yet ready to become an adult, puts you in a very tough spot.
Discussing problems and coming up with solutions for them can help. Addressing potential scenarios can help too. This is the time when kids need to know that sometimes none of the choices life presents are good; you have to pick the least harmful one. Life is not fair, and yet it is not all chance. By living life a certain way, you can reduce the probabilities of some bad outcomes and increase the probabilities of good ones. I think taking your young adult seriously is important even if you think his issues are shallow and are a luxury. He does not feel that way, and as minor as those issues may be, they can escalate to terrible problems if they are not addressed properly.
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