Day Three - Abby's Make A Wish

From Brent

Day THREE of the Make A Wish blessing is eternal history.

A lot of comments were left about my "teaching moment" yesterday concerning parenting. I have some responses and a couple of follow up thoughts today. However, I know there are people who could care less about that, and only want to hear about the Make A Wish Trip. So... skip down to DAY THREE if you only want the update on Abby.

From the comments: Yes, we are at DISNEY FLORIDA. Yes, I'm an idiot about all the Disney characters. I can't tell Plutonic from Goopy, Frumpy from Snotty, or Sponge Frank from Dr. Soups.

Thanks for all the great encouragement and stories about parenting. I tossed out that "teaching moment" yesterday anticipating the "comment beating" that would come, but my apprehension was misplaced. Evidently there ARE other people who believe parents are still in charge of their own children.

I would agree with one of our dear blogger friends that, YES, there are times when you should strategically ignore some instances of undesired behavior from children. But I'll add 1) it is the extremely rare case when ignoring a child's bad behavior addresses the heart issue, and 2) I would humbly disagree that WHINING (or fussing, complaining, disagreeableness) is one of those things we should ever ignore.

I have several books planned called "Bedtime Wars" and "Dinnertime Wars" that address the situations like demanding "more" at bedtime, picky eating and whining to get your way. For the child who wants ANOTHER drink, another story, another reason to get out of bed, we cure that with this approach: "No, you will not get another [_______]. If you ask for it again, or whine about it, then not only will you not receive it, you will lose ALL of them for two nights. And, if you PERSIST in whining, you'll lose those two nights and more..."

This allows the child to be responsible for their next choice of behavior and the consequence (or reward). Personal responsibility is a primary goal of parenting: teaching kids the spiritual and emotional reality that their choices and behavior have real world results... they are ACCOUNTABLE for their choices.

To simply ignore their demands or whining might be pragmatic (ie. it "works" for the moment), but it does not address the real issues of the child's heart which should centralize around obedience and respect for authority (later in life, that respect and obedience is shown for God, employers, spouses and law enforcement because it was shown to parents originally).

Ignoring whining, protests or demands does not address the internal heart and emotional discipline. Remember, the EXTERNAL (behavior, attitude, choices) is only a by-product and manifestation of the INTERNAL (heart, spirit, mind). This is true for all people, child or adult. Get the heart right, and the tongue, hands, eyes and feet will follow.

As an aside, it is a standing rule in our house: "Kids, if you WHINE, the answer is NO", period. Once they realize an AUTOMATIC "no" follows any whining, then whining loses it's appeal. Kids aren't dumb. They quickly abandon any technique that doesn't work and has less than desirable results. Try out this rule. I think you'll see the Whiney Gremlin will move on down the road from your home.

So you ask, "when WOULD YOU ignore bad behavior"? There are times I would cautiously and tenderly ignore some less than pleasant behavior if the child was put in a situation they shouldn't be expected to handle (too mature or stressful for their age). But this would be very rare because even when sick or tired or out of sorts, a child can still be encouraged towards appropriate self discipline. I get wore out hearing parents making the excuse "oh, they are just tired. They aren't like that normally". Uh huh.

Choosing to ignore unpleasant behavior should be motivated by compassion and tenderness (as opposed to permissiveness or excuse making) because of a genuinely rare situation that a child simply cannot be expected to handle. The key word here is RARE...

Children are alot more "trainable" and emotionally capable than most parents realize. For example, when Abby got cancer we determined on DAY ONE that we would continue to parent her and not allow our sympathy for her situation to be an excuse to indulge her or neglect discipline. We had to quadruple our gentleness and compassion when she was going through such extreme discomfort for sure but even when she was at her lowest points, she was required to be loving, kind and thankful to the nurses and staff, and respectful to sibling and doctors. She was never allowed to be demanding or self absorbed. Believe me, it was VERY hard at times to say "Abby, I know you feel awful, but you are not going to grouch at your nurse who is only trying to care for you. Apologize to her and say 'thank you'".

As a result, she came through the worst of the cancer, almost dying four times, as a happy, well adjusted part of the family. Sadly, we witnessed many "cancer kids" that simply became monsters (which broke our hearts to see) during this time because understandably sympathetic parents just could not bring themselves to engage in any type of discipline or behavioral requirements given the suffering of their child. While my heart can understand how hard it is for parents in this situation, my mind and experience KNOWS this is the wrong approach. As a result, we find ourselves now giving as the first piece of advice to parents just embarking on this awful journey, "determine NOW not to neglect parenting your child during their treatment."

If children suffering from life threatening illnesses are better off with parents who actually "parent" them, how much more is this true for "normal" parenting of typical families? Here's a general rule we follow that we often teach others:

There are three things that receive ZERO tolerance: disrespect, disobedience and defiance. Remember: D, D or D = D

The last "D"? Discipline. Don't count to three or ten. Don't warn several times. Don't threaten or ignore. Disrespect, disobedience and defiance should never be tolerated. It should be corrected immediately and should always result in discipline. If you will be consistent with this no matter how difficult (especially when you first begin), your kids will quickly learn there's a new Sheriff in town and you'll be amazed at how miraculously their behavior will conform.

Some parents mistakenly think that "zero tolerance" will result in constant, monotonous "chain-discipline" that will dominate family life. WRONG! Once your kids figure out which behavior has zero tolerance, they will quickly adapt, and you'll find that your need to discipline and correct will DRAMATICALLY plummet in frequency. It is permissiveness and ignoring bad behavior that encourages kids to misbehave even more. Kids are instinctively "little tyrants" (their natural immaturity and inherited selfish human nature demands it) meaning any appeasement will only encourage and reinforce bad behavior. Kids are inherently pragmatic. If it works, they'll do it MORE. If it doesn't work, they will abandon it faster than a teenager abandons personal hygiene on Saturdays.

I promise. Give it try. Teaching moment over.

DAY THREE....

We started the day with meet and greet. Landis evidently forgot "the secret" because Curious George sent him straight into an anxiety attack. He's so funny. Early in the day, the giant characters terrify him. By that evening, he can't get enough of them.

Then it was off to Universal Studios where we found out Sami is a daredevil maniac!

Note: Hannah, Sami... whatever. Here's the deal for those who don't know: Samrawit is her Ethiopian name. When she first came home, we chose "Sami" as her nickname. Once she learned English, she decided she wanted to go by her American/Bible name "Hannah". But Dad has a hard time breaking habits, so I still call her Sami although publicly she goes my Hannah. So if you're not already confused, let's see if this does it: Michelle is Michelle to everyone else but me and I call her Maria (Maria is not a secret girlfriend, promise). Sami is Sami to our immediate family but Hannah to the world. Christian has a dozen nicknames, currently it's "best buddy" to the little ones. Timothy is Garrett. Carlos is Landis. Jacqueline is Abby. Jordan is JoJo. Brent is still "bonehead" or "opinionated jerk". That hasn't changed.

Anyhoo, Sami had never seen a roller coaster or scary ride before yesterday and became instantly addicted. She wanted to ride them ALL, over and over. No matter how scary. She thought they were "fun". It didn't cross her mind that they were designed to give her a heart attack and make her wet her pants. They were "fun".

We went spent the entire day at Adventure Island doing rides, meeting Super Heroes and picking Landis up off the concrete every time another dinosaur scared the stew out of him. Poor Abby jumped with joy because she was tall enough to go on the SpiderMan ride... then she screamed in terrified panic the entire time she was on it.

Speaking of Spiderman, that was probably the highlight of the day. SpideyLandis finally got to meet the "real" Spiderman. It was truly a golden moment....


Moment of the Day: SpideyLandis meets
the guy who is running around dressed up like him...
the "real" Spiderman. You may not know that Abby's original WISH was
actually for "Baby to meet Spiderman". "Baby" is what she
calls Landis. Isn't that sweet? After all the torture she endured,
she got to do her Make A Wish, and the first thing she wished
was for Landis to meet Spiderman, not something for herself.
If that doesn't melt your heart, you better go get it checked,
it has probably stopped beating.


Michelle, Hannah and Garrett on the Hulk Puke-O-Matic
Michelle is in the pink shirt, Sami and Garrett to her right.




"Fun!" was Sami's description after her first roller coaster ride.
We didn't bother with warm up rides on small coasters...
we sent her straight to the Big Leagues!




Boy, if only I wouldn't have had to watch the babies and take pics...
I could have rode this barf fest. Maybe next time.


Much to Hannah and Garrett's delight, and despite
Mom's efforts, SpideyLandis cowered at the awesome
spectacle that is "Curious George"


Landis hasn't quite warmed up to Cyclops,
I mean c'mon... he's not Spiderman.


Hannah, Abby and Landis break out their best superhero
stances for a shot with Captain America.


Garrett flexes his guns next to the King of Cool, Captain America.


Super kids with Rogue and Storm of X-Men fame.


Landis was thrilled to see Spidey leap up on this stand and invite
them for a pic. Nope, that's not a statue. That's live dude.
This Spiderman was quite the acrobat jumping
around all over things.


Abby skipped the webslinging poses and went straight for
the heart melting hug.


We walked by a "pound the sledge hammer and ring the bell" contest
and of course with Maria's egging them on, all the kids hounded me to do it.
I really didn't want to at first... think about it. How disappointed and
embarrassed was I going to be if "big strong Dad" couldn't ring the bell?
And this thing was no joke. It really was set up where there were few winners
(the gal working it said one other guy had won that day).
I've chopped a LOT OF wood, so I knew the technique. I pounded
the stew out of that thing twice and fell way short. The attendant
came over and whispered "you're plenty strong enough, you're just
hitting the wrong spot. Hit it right there...." She saved my bacon.
I got my bell rung... er, uh.... I rung the bell, and won Abby
a big Dora doll. She was thrilled and my manhood remained intact.


Landis and Sami flying the Ptera... terra dac.... ptearadactul...
terrydacktill... whatever, the big dinosaur bird dude.

Abby LOVED this ride!


Landis, still terrified from a scary dinosaur about 2 minutes previous,
won't even approach this fossil for a picture.


This was Abby right BEFORE the Spiderman ride began.
She insisted on going, "I'm not scared Daddy!"


... this was Abby right AFTER the Spiderman ride.
She decided she didn't like the "big kid" rides so much after all.


Mom, Sami and Garrett were off riding some barf machine again,
so me and the babies had some popcorn and relaxed for a bit.
We got Landis a Spiderman stuffed figure (not a doll! he's a boy).
He was so thrilled to get it. He wouldn't let it out of his sight.


The restaurant "cave" we ate lunch in.


Despite all the wonders and marvels that surrounded them,
Abby and Landis were still fascinated by a simple duck.


Garrett strikes a cool guy pose next to the
eagle statue thingy.


Hannah with a Dr. Suess character.
Okay, I don't know the name, alright. I admit it.
Green eggs and ham? Cat in the bag? Something like that?


Landis had a blast being a pirate running around
"aaarrrrggggggh"ing everyone.


End of the day at the Pirate and Princess party.
Still having fun but can you see how tired they are?


Abby a year ago near death... Abby today.
Is there anything you need to have a pity party about today?
I didn't think so.